Can you fly, Bobby?

I’ve been thinking of writing about this subject for a while, and now, my feverishly slavering audience, it is time – I bring you:

Robocop.

In my completely non-humble and just basically right opinion, possibly the best film ever made. Fuck you, Citizen Kane – do you have a melting man getting splattered over a car bonnet? Well do ya??? No, so get back in your “classic” box and come back when you have a character as well rounded as “Keva Rosenberg, Unemployed Person”.

Boy oh boy I am going to have fun with this one!

I have this on a t-shirt. See previous Carpenter post for the effect it has

 Where to start? I saw this film on VHS (ask your parents) at the age of around 14 thanks to my parents and their entirely reasonable and true acceptance that VIOLENT FILMS DON’T MAKE PEOPLE INTO SERIAL KILLERS YOU DUMBASS CONSERVATIVES AND CHRISTIANS and it was an absolute revelation. Oh I’d seen many more gory and violent films before, but nothing with the sheer class and constantly knowing wink as this. It was an instant favourite, and I honestly couldn’t count the number of times I have now seen it on all my extremities. Even if I was a two-dicked freak of nature.

I think I’m going to just break this into chunks, devoting a paragraph to each of the things about this film that I love. I’m never going to do it justice, and Mr Verhoeven I apologise for that (yeah, like he’s ever going to read this..) but I will do my best to get across to you the genius of this film. Here goes:

1) ED-209. Possibly the best thing ever in a film, book, tv show, play, or actual real life experience.

This was my first ever Twitter avatar. Fanboy alert!

 This guy plain rocks. I had never seen anything so shit your pants hard and cool as ED-209, and still to this day never have. Phil Tippet’s stop motion animation of this bad boy still makes anything Cameron can pull out of his 3D arse look like it was knocked up on a ZX Spectrum. ED-209 is there, in your face, and when he makes his ill-advised move down those stairs and ends up on his back crying like a baby? Anyone with a heart will feel sadder than when Bambi’s mum met the reaper. Fact.

“I had to kill Bob Morton because he made a mistake. Now it’s time to erase that mistake” 

2) Clarence Boddicker. Kurtwood Smith’s finest moment. …and he was in Boxing Helena.

You probably don't think I'm a very nice guy...do ya?

This is how you write a villain. Nasty, greedy, totally disloyal to all, above or below him in the chain – hell, if it wasn’t for Robo himself or ED-209, this guy would be the hero of the piece.  The fact that the title of this post is a Boddicker line should tell you how much time I have for him. …but, even more so than that, this is the man who makes it acceptable to say “Bitches leave” and claim irony “because I’m quoting from a film” This scene, amongst so many, many others, makes Clarence Boddicker worthy of his own paragraph (apologies for the poor quality and brief nature of the scene ):

3) The Incredible Melting Man. Oh come on, how can you not enjoywatching this – look up “fun” in any decent dictionary and it links to this:

4) The TV News links and adverts. Just pure genius. Through all the glorious carnage and occasional gratiutious nude flashes (well, it is a Verhoeven pic) they insert these wonderful news clips and adverts. I have made reference to this genius earlier in the post, but check out this vox-pop clip of “the man in the street” giving his opinion on the potential strike by the city’s law enforcement:

He is so the man! Alongside such eloquent comments, the genius that is Paul Verhoeven (and that isn’t sarcastic – this man brought us Starship Troopers as well, so will always have my unqualified adoration) inserted beautifully placed and ironc TV adverts such as this:

It’s mini-scenes such as this , I believe, that allow “quality” film magazines and reviewers to include Robocop in their top films lists and make it seem less like a guilty pleasure to them, when they know that deep down they should really despise it for the sickening violence and the fact that it isn’t Casablanca

…whereas any film lover and reviewer who is genuinlely worth their salt doesn’t care what other people think, and writes from the heart. Just because you write for an “up market” *vomits* magazine, it doesn’t mean you can’t accept that you like a little bit of nasty from time to time

…anyway, I digress. One more. Even though I have room in my head for 10 more, I’m not sure you lot do:

5) The soundtrack. By this, I mean the incredible original soundtrack by Basil Poledouris, and equally the sweet noises that the various robots make. Unfortunately, I am struggling to find decent wav files of the various robot noises. This makes me sad, as you deserve to hear them. Alas, for now, I will have to leave you with the theme.

 However, ladies and gents, I am genuinely torn right now. Having had a dig around, I feel it is only right to offer you the genuine Robocop theme:

Some guy doing it on his gee-tar:

Or the marvellous 8 Bit Nintendo version:

And that my friends, is that. Seriously, I could go on for days about this film and still feel that this post is unworthy and a poor showing. There are so many great things about Robocop – the script, the effects, the cast, the soundtrack, the direction, the pacing. I almost feel I should delete this and start again, as I know I haven’t truly done it justice.

I hope my passion for this film has come through, and I hope that maybe this prompts you to watch (hopefully again) one of the finest pieces of cinema ever made. I don’t say that lightly – this film will always be in my top 2 (the other being True Romance – possible next blog post teaser there) no matter what.

I shall leave you with this, the original trailer – just imagine how excited you would be if you were a 14 year old film fan whose mind hadn’t been bleached by CGI and you saw this – and yes, that is the Terminator music, and was used in the trailer at the time :)

Horror Blogging: An outsider’s view

WARNING: NO PART OF THIS POST IS DIRECTED AT ANYONE PERSONALLY. IF YOU WERE HOPING FOR SPURIOUS LIBEL AND BACKSTABBING, YOU WILL BE DISAPPOINTED.  

Well, hasn’t it all kicked off recently in the world of horror blogging / reviewing / writing / thinking / whatever the hell label you choose to use-ing!

As a rank amateur looking in, and someone with a good number of horror blogs and sites in my Favourites (hey, America – it’s spelt with a “u”!) here are my thoughts. …which, as a human, are equally as valid as someone with a horror site that attracts 100,000 hits a week. It’s called democracy people, deal with it

How about everyone agrees some completely reasonable, self-respecting and grown up standards, then we can all move on? For example:

1) If you review films, write what you personally think about the film, whether it is positive or negative. This one seems like a no-brainer to me.

2) If you choose to only write positive reviews: Hey, that’s fine! Just don’t lie, and your soul will not be tarnished.

3) If you prefer to concentrate on what is wrong with a lot of films: Hey, that’s fine! Just don’t lie, and your soul will not be tarnished.

4) If you decide you will write about films whether you like or dislike them: Hey, that’s fine! Just don’t lie, and your soul will not be tarnished.

5) If your reviews are in any way influenced by promises of cash, jewellery, free passes, or oral sex from aspiring actors / actresses: Your soul is tarnished.

Wow, this seems surprisingly easy! Sometimes I wonder what all the fuss was about

Listen, I love that bloggers and reviewers are passionate about their subject – that is what I want and expect, and what gets you added to my Favourites. …but if you can’t take a contrary opinion, then maybe the internet is not the best place for you to be. It’s scary out there, some people post their honest and open opinions, and sometimes, damn them, they don’t agree with you. The bastards.

Don’t get me wrong, if someone gets personal in a comment or response, they deserve to be rectally impaled and left spinning on the barbed pitchforks of Satan’s minions for all eternity. However, if all they say is “I disagree, this is my opinion” and make a reasoned argument, then this is surely a good thing, yes?

Many more talented and experienced writers than me have posted on this subject in the last week or so, and I applaud all of them. Because I like the concept of Freedom of Speech

In conclusion, in the words of John Lennon: “Why of course I’ll sign your book Mr Chapman, to who should I make it o…”

Oops, wrong quote

Feel The Love, You Freaks :)

So, despite my infrequent posting I have been given an award as a Kreativ (not my spelling, I’m British, we don’t fuck shit up like that) Blogger. This makes me smile and feel tingly, as I’d rather make one person take notice than have 1,000 say “meh”.

So, here’s what I am supposed to do as a result – and I’m feeling compliant and friendly, so here goes:

1:  Thank the person who nominated me

Well Bloofer Lady from Horror Crypt, this is a big thank you – your site and your writing has been an inspiration to me in the short time I have been familar with it. I have Twitter to thank for discovering you and so many incredibly cool people, which considering my main reason for not being on Facebook is / was “I have plenty of ways to waste my time on the internet thanks very much, I don’t need another life-consuming one” is, I admit, slightly ironic. Fuck it, I’m a man of contrasts Anyway, I digress – Bloofer Lady, you have been a great supporter and a friend, and I wish you well with your site and everything – and no matter what some needledick twats write on your Formspring, you’re not a cunt, really

2: Copy the logo and place it on your blog

Ta-dah!

3: Link to the person who nominated you for this award

Been there, done that.

4: Name 7 things about yourself that people may find interesting:

1) I have been an usher at a Broadway performance of  Twelve Angry Men, attended by a New York governor, after which I shook the hand of the man who played Sean Murphy in HBO’s Oz.

2) Despite my being an IT manager at my work, and therefore technically a geek, I know surprisingly little about the basics of computers and often rely on Google and the ability and willingess to dig around for answers. This is called bluffing, and many people you know who claim to “know about computers” use this method. Trust me.

3) I used to be a “born again Christian”, from the age of 9 to 21. I left when I realised that, when someone translated the “speaking in tongues” that I had just done despite my having made it up for effect (and could do it just as realistically on cue now, trust me) maybe, just maybe, it was bullshit.

4) I lost my virginity at a disgracefully old age (thanks, blinkered and repressive Christian upbringing!) to a married Swedish lady in a hotel room on the island of Jersey.

5) My parents let me watch Lucio Fulci’s “The Beyond” when I was 9 years old. This had something of an effect on me. I had to run away to my bedroom after 10 minutes as it was too much. It took me over 20 years to get hold of a decent copy after that (thanks, crappy British censorship laws and DVD players that weren’t multi-region) and when I did finally re-watch it, it was in daylight. This is now one of my favourite films, and I watch it on a regular basis. I love(d) my parents, they let me watch hideously inappropriate films, and it did me no harm *coughs*

6) I would kill for the people who mean the most to me in my life. I have never been in a fight, never truly lost my temper, but if you hurt one of the few who are truly special to me, I promise you that you will not get away with it.

7) When I was a child, my older brother told me that if I stood on a particular spot in the garden, lemonade would shoot up and I could drink all I want. This was a lie. It was an ant’s nest. I got covered in ants. Despite this, my brother is one of the people to whom 6) applies

Well, that was fun! …and now on to:

5: Nominate 5 Kreativ (that spelling still makes me bristle) bloggers – these people may have already been nominated, and it’s getting late so I’ll try to get to seven, but here goes nothing:

1) http://www.horror-extreme.com/blog/ Unquestionably one of the funniest and sickest people I have met on Twitter. That alone should be enough to make you click the link. This man knows his sick horror, and should be lauded for this.

2) http://horrordigest.blogspot.com/ Well written, funny and intelligent reviews – one of the first horror blogs I came across, and one that I read on a regular basis.

3) http://www.dayofwoman.blogspot.com/ Smart, intelligent and witty opinions on  all aspects of horror from a female perspective. This is one of my favourite blogs, and and it is well worth a visit – a fangirl (her words!) with something to say, highly recommended.

4) http://nice-chianti.blogspot.com/ This smart lady balances being a poor student with writing some very well observed film opinions, and organising horror events at the same time. She has other blogs as well, so click on the link for more info.

5) http://thevaultofhorror.blogspot.com/ Another truly great blog, 100% recommended – anyone who live tweets Cannibal Holocaust will always have a place in my heart

6) http://www.screamstress.com/ The Screamstress was one of the first people to reply to me on Twitter and make me think it might be worth looking into this whole horror blogs thing a little deeper. An early inspiration, and well worth checking out.

7) http://www.paradiseofhorror.com/ Like the above, one of the people I first discovered on Twitter, and as a result plundered many of my followers from A true horror enthusiast who really knows his stuff, from old to new.

If I’ve missed you I am truly sorry, but remember this: Approximately 8 people will read this, so I don’t think it will have a major effect on your hit counter

6: Post links to the 7 blogs…blah, blah, done that above.

7: Leave a comment on the blogs you have nominated. 

Tch! More work. Well, since you’re all so worth it I guess I’ll go ahead and do that now. …or maybe in the morning.

….and that’s that! Peace, out

I’ve done Christmas, time for New Year’s Eve

Hello faithful readers,

Well, you stuck with me through my thoughts on Christmas, so here’s my opinion on New Year’s Eve.

WARNING: If you’re in your late teens / early twenties and tomorrow night is going to be the most exciting night of your year, you may want to leave at this point. I am, in your eyes, old and jaded, and will shatter all your dreams of how it will be the best night out you have ever had.

Right, now we’ve got that out of the way:

New Year’s Eve parties can go from the bad:

Nothing says Party like hairy moobs

To the very, very good:

'nuff said

…but these days, I prefer to be somewhere where I can

a) Hear myself speak

b) Not be surrounded by cunts

c) Sit down from time to time

Three years ago I stayed in and, at the stroke of midnight was watching American Psycho on DVD. I was perfectly happy with this. Last year I was at a “gathering” (no-one calls them parties anymore, unless you want 350 Facebook chavs to turn up and smash the fuck out of your house) and pleasantly off my tits all night. See? I’m a man of contrast if nothing else

I just don’t want to spend £25 to go to my local pub for a glass of sparking wine, a sausage roll, and a fight. That to me is hell on earth. Shit, I hope there aren’t any Cenobites reading this, as they would now know how to torment me for all eternity.

Tomorrow, I shall go on a 12 hour vodka binge with three of my closest friends at their house. We will laugh, we will cry, we will play shitty board games – and I will love every minute of it…and when the text service collapses at around 11:30pm as it does every year, I will switch my phone off and sit happily with a stupid grin on my face, thinking of my loved ones

So, in summary – if you’re going out to a pub, club or party, have a fantastic time. I used to do it, and am not taking away from your experience at all – it’s just not for me anymore, and I’m good with that.

If you’re staying at home, be it alone or with people who you like or love, then fair play to you and I also hope you enjoy your night, whether it ends at 10:00pm or 7:00am.

2009 has been a mixed year for me, improving immensely in the last two months, and I for one genuinely look forward to 2010. Whether you’ve had a shit year or a blinder, I hope 2010 is good for you too

For the final word, let’s turn to some inspiring 80’s horror:

So have fun, and remember – it’s just another night

Christmas – Ho Ho Ho, or No Nooo Nooooo…?

Well, as we’re comfortably into December now I guess it’s acceptable to post some random crap about Christmas, so here goes:

There would seem to be two very distinct schools of thought on this, those being:

1) I LOVE CHRISTMAS AND EVERYTHING ABOUT IT AND YES I MAY SOUND A BIT MAD BUT WAHEY LET’S GET DRUNK AND MAKE OUT WITH SECRETARIES AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY AND MAKE UP FOR NEVER ACTUALLY HAVING ANY FUN DURING THE REST OF THE YEAR BECAUSE OF MY HATEFUL LIFE GOD I LOVE CHRISTMAS AND I’M ALL WACKY AND ZANY AND LOVE MAKING MY HOUSE LOOK LIKE IT’S BEING POWERED BY SOMETHING THAT USED TO BE PART OF THE CHERNOBYL REACTOR PLEASE LIKE ME PLEASE LIKE ME PLEASE LIKE ME.

or

2) I HATE CHRISTMAS

Well, I’m happy to say that I fall distinctly inbetween these two camps, as I imagine most of you do. I do occasionally exaggerate for comic effect by the way.

For the uninitiated, I don’t have any family where I live – they either died off (it wasn’t me, I swear, and no court of law will ever prove otherwise) or have moved away, so the whole “Christmas is a time for families” thing doesn’t really wash with me, otherwise you’re basically telling me that my Christmas experience is invalid, so fuck that. I have spent the last 10 or so Christmasses with various different friends, or on one particularly memorable occasion in the house of the person with whom I was having an illicit affair. And her husband.  Not proud of that one, but that’s a story for another time

I am a bad man

So Christmas kinda comes and goes for me – I don’t get very excited, but I also don’t get down or depressed and can appreciate people getting excited if they have good reason i.e. not just “I get given stuff that I like, material whore that I am” but maybe have kids around. Now, despite my general cynical tone, I accept that Christmas takes on another tone altogether when kids are involved. Let’s face it, we were all one once – if you still techincally are, you shouldn’t be reading this, go to bed – and I’m sure all got massively excited. I and my brother used to get up at 5:30am looking for presents and hoping that “Father Christmas” had been before gorgeing on Quailty Street and watching The Two Ronnies Christmas Special.

So, I actually quite like Christmas Day in a “I’m not at work and am with people I like, drinking and eating way too much and also have tomorrow off, sweet” way, but I won’t be filling my flat with decorations and singing Wizzard songs for three weeks in advance. Make sense?

At the end of the day, everyone is entitled to appreciate this time of year in the way that they like, whether that means spending one million dollars on reindeers to go on the roof of their house, or sitting alone with a tin of beans and weeping quietly. Or, like most sane people, finding a happy medium and just enjoying some time off work with friends and / or family.

So, my Christmas message (I am clearly more important than the Queen, if only because I’m not German, so I deserve five minutes of your time) is this: Just go with whatever floats your boat, and try not to go on a killing spree whilst dressed in a Santa suit – that is so 80s.

…and for the last word, let’s hand over to Phoebe Cates:

Someone’s in my fruit cellar! Someone with a fresh soooul!

Ah, The Evil Dead trilogy – 265 of the most satisfying minutes you can spend in front of a screen. Unless you’ve got a really good porno and the self control of a Saint.  But I digress…

Like many people in Britain, I saw Evil Dead II before Evil Dead, as we had ridiculous shake your fist at the BBFC like an angry old man censorship laws back in the 80s and as a result the original was one of the notorious “Video Nasties” for years. (Mental note – make next post about the Video Nasties of the 1980s. Sweet.) So, considering that the second one was kind of a remake / reshuffle of the first (more on that later) it was a little weird until I was finally able to watch all three back to back. Which I have since done a number of times. As I noted in the last post, girls love me.

Anyway, here goes…

Evil Dead (1983)

Shit! What a sweet poster! The Thais have it good

I. Fucking. Love. This. Film. Seriously, it shits me up (apologies to my American readers, I will use British slang from time to time – just ask if you need clarification) every time. As mentioned, it had a certain notoriety before I got the chance to actually see it, and then it was on a scratchy old bootleg VHS copy. Remember kids, those of us of a certain age didn’t use to have the internet and ready access to every film under the sun – we really had to make an effort. Video Nasties were like drugs, you got them from a friend of a friend whose brother knew a man etc…

Spoiler Alert! …ah hell, if you haven’t seen this before you’re a bad person and need to rectify that immediately. See you back here in 85 minutes.

Now,  I have a lot of time for the tree rape, disturbing but darkly comic as it may be – and if being fucked by a tree really makes you a card counting genius, can any of you who have had this experience please e-mail me and let me take you to Vegas? I can handle the whole “being a demon” thing if you promise to make me millions of dollars. I’m good like that. 

…and I also think the “pencil in the ankle” scene is genuinely squirmy. And the camerawork in this film is truly stunning, especially considering the low budget. Hey, they should give this guy a bloated superhero franchi…oh, hang on.

Brief insight into my life – I used to own a DVD player that, when you switched it off, would make a noise like a disappointed Evil Dead demon force retreating from a slammed cabin door. I loved that DVD player, and switched it off an inappropriate number of times.

Anyway, for me this film is ruled by the moment Cheryl turns into a card predicting Kandarian demon. Not seen it, or maybe forgotten? Much as I’ve just tried for you, can I find the fucker online anywhere? Can I bollocks. Stupid copyright laws – I’m trying to promote your film here, help me out! So, disappointingly as I really wanted to make you all shit your pants, here’s just the basic trailer *sulks*

Evil Dead II (1987)

The happy couple's first kiss

This is one about which I will always argue with some of my closest friends. Don’t get me wrong, I love this film (to the point where I somehow shoehorned it into my local film society’s programme this year and was lucky enough to introduce it to a whole generation of kids who’d never seen it before. Bow down before me, for truly I am powerful) but I will always prefer the original.

As a horror purist (Hmmm….that sounds a bit wanky. Please don’t hate me – read on and I will try my best to placate you. But I am right.)  I want to be scared more than I want to laugh. This is in no way a criticism of people who have more love for this film, I completely understand your viewpoint, so let’s  just agree to disagree, ok?

It’s not a remake, but it shares characters, location and storyline. Sounds like a remake? Yes. Yes it does. Bugger. …but yet it still isn’t. Look, if you made one of the most influential horror films of all time and a studio said “Hey, here’s some money – make the film you would have made if we’d had the foresight to give you this a few years back” you’d be tempted to make your original movie better, right? I’m going to start arguing with myself soon, so I’ll leave that area now and let you make your own mind up. See how benevolent I am.

Bottom line, this is one of the most entertaining rollercoaster rides of a horror film you will ever see. There is, rightly, so much love for this film and I’m glad about that, but the original edges it for me every time. Despite the flying eyeball:

Army of Darkness (1993)

That's the sound of the men, working on the chain gang

Well, this was one was, and still is, a divider. Personally? I have lots of time for it. Look, when you’ve made two shit hot films in the series already, you’re allowed to goof off a little. And anyway, it’s not as if the one before this was super serious (I wanted to type super serial there, but if you haven’t seen ManBearPig it may have gone over your head)  (Mental note: make post after the Video Nasties one about South Park.)

Come on, the Deadite army? The whole “Klaatu Barada Niktu” fuck up? The general sense of “Aah fuck it, let’s let Ash off the leash this time”? How can you not enjoy this film. After all that Raimi has put Campbell through in the last two (and believe me, that poor bastard suffered) let him be the true hero character this time. Give him weapons. Sure, torment him with mini-mes, but let him win.

Well, sort of. It kinda depends on which ending you have on your version. If that makes you say “What? There are multiple endings?” You need to do your research my friend, for you will be rewarded.

This scene will hopefully make you laugh – I’m all about the pleasure giving really:

…and before I finish, here is an incredibly sweet (yes, I use that word a lot. So sue me) compilation of Ash’s screams from the whole series that makes me laugh like a schoolgirl. Though admittedly a quite old and slightly tarnished schoolgirl:

…and that’s it. I realise these aren’t really reviews, but I hope that if nothing else, maybe you take a glance at those Evil Dead DVDs on your shelf and think “Yep, I want to watch those again.” If that happens, my work here is done *backs away with a flourish*

My Thoughts on the Ms. Horror Blogosphere controversy

Fuck that, I’m not going near that subject with a 10 foot pole

Why I love John Carpenter…and will always forgive him

I know, I know – I promised I’d start posting film reviews, but for now my feverishly slavering audience will have to do with more general posts.

So, as the title says – I love John Carpenter. Not in a physical sense *shiver*, but this is a man who has brought us five stone-cold classics, for which I am willing to ignore the more recent aberrations. You know the ones I mean. Let’s leave it there.

So, in order of personal merit:

1) The Thing

That’s Got to hurt

Look at that. Seriously, just look at that.

How can you not love a film with an image like that? And the dog kennel scene? If you think Return of the Living Dead had a good split dog, check this baby out:

Now. like most non serial killers, I cry when dogs die in films. Even shitty films like I Am Legend (it’s way too late to warn about spoilers - if you haven’t seen it by now, don’t bother – go out and spend time with friends instead, you’ll feel much less like smashing stuff up afterwards.) But that’s missing the point – it’s not a dog that’s dying here. That beast stopped being a dog a good while ago. I think it was the four way head and tentacles that gave it away.

Anyone reading this should have seen this film already. Many times. If not, shame on you – but you’re forgiven as long as you promise to watch it in the next seven days, ok?

Final words? “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me…”

 

2) The Fog

 

I have this on a t-shirt. Girls love me

“One hundred years ago, between midnight and one, something evil came out of the fog. Now, it has returned”

In a word. Fucking creepy. Ok, two words. But only because fuckingcreepy isn’t a word in it’s own right. This is a film that makes me want to sleep with the lights on and soundproof my flat so that if revengeful lepers come a-hunting, I won’t hear that slow thumping at my door.

The youtube links are dicey and I can’t get them to work, but I am a massive amateur so click below for the trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XH0piu6EqPc

…and as an adolescent male (and yes, admittently, as an adult male now) – Jamie Lee Curtis and Adrienne Barbeau? Together? In a Carpenter film?  ’nuff said.

 

3) Assault on Precinct 13

When posters were real posters

Not for the assault itself, not for the creeping tension between the characters, and not for the incredible Carpenter soundtrack (though it is worth of a mention – synths ahoy!) but for this scene:

 

 

4) Halloween

Aaw, he’s so cute

So. number four on the list you say? No Shatner mask in the pic you say? Yes. Yes to both. This is obviously a great and iconic movie, and has its place in “slasher” (*vomits*) history,  but come on, with hindsight, what’s more scary

a) An insane bloke with a grudge who just wants to get to know / kill his family (I’m not a, and don’t know any Myers’s)

b) A body melting alien gizmo that imitates your mates and your best friend i.e. the dog and slowly but surely wipes out humanity

c) Ghost lepers. Just read that back.

d) A man who cold-bloodedly shoots a schoolgirl before taking on a police station. And doesn’t even pause for ice-cream.

Now do you see where all these “Scariest Moments In Film” shows have been going wrong? I rest my case.

But, just in case you’ve recently awoken from a *counts fingers, toes, and, erm, let’s leave it there…* 31 year coma, here’s the trailer:

 

5) Escape From New York

 Just one thing, right now… don’t call me Harold!

Snake Plissken. It’s not a name, it’s a thing (ooh, clever – referencing a “Thing” after my number one choice was The Th…I’ll get me coat)  Honestly though, when they were coming up with character names, who thought “Yeah, that’ll work”? And whoever it was – sorry, never listened to a commentary or read much about it, if you ever meet me, slap me for that – is a frickin’ genius. Because once you’ve seen him walk, sorry strut, onto the screen and own the film like few characters can, you’ll be hooked.

If you’ve seen Escape From L.A., please refer to the title of this post.

…and there you have it.  Please feel free to comment, I’m only one man, and whilst I’m clearly always right, I can accept a good slagging.

This site is a Twilight-free zone

Boy, was I in a ranting mood last night?

Anyway, I’ll start reviewing films on here shortly, but in advance here’s a bit more info about what I like and dislike when it comes to horror and films in general. The title of the post should give you a good starting point. I’m not going to slag T******t off as I haven’t read / seen any of them so that would be wrong, but I’ll go happily to my grave if that situation never changes. Though hopefully not for a few years yet.

Favourites? That’s a list that would have to include *deep breath* Suspiria, Evil Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead (possibly my favourite of the series, which may be partly down to it being the first one I saw. At 11 years of age), The Beyond, Let The Right One In, An American Werewolf In London, Salem’s Lot (Hooper-directed version), Haute Tension, Hatchet, Alligator, Bad Taste, The Thing (Best. Effects. Ever. Bollocks to CGI), and many, many more that I have forgotten right now but will come back to haunt me (in a good way) later.

Re-makes? Meh. Not always a complete travesty, Dawn of the Dead was well done, TCM also, but I gather someone’s doing Suspiria now, and that makes me sad as there is no way that film can be improved so don’t waste your and my time. Most of them are uninspired and lazy crap though, but you all know that already. Right?

My favourite non-horror films are True Romance and Robocop, both actually probably my favourite films full stop. I’m not happy about a Robocop remake, but Aronofsky directing it makes me a little intrigued. However, part of me wants to beat myself with sticks for even entertaining the thought.

I’m also a Pixar lover (like most sane people) and have much time for the likes of Anchorman (genius), Borat etc. so it’s not all about violence and slow burning agony with me, I have a light and childish side too.

Having said that, I am a sucker for OTT gore and splatter, but at the end of the day nothing beats locking the doors, switching the lights off and scaring myself with something truly affecting. Not enough films can do this in my opinion, but The Shining and Evil Dead get me every time.

I hate CGI blood. That deserves a paragraph in its own right.

Anyway, that’ll do for now, just a little insight – not because I think I’m super-important and everyone should listen to me (I don’t, by the way) but because personally I like to know someone’s tastes in advance of reading reviews etc. that they may write in the future. And because I’m a little bored and am having fun with my new blog. There, said it.

Twitter bastards. And other stuff.

It’s well late here but I need to rant before I go to bed.

I signed up to Twitter out of curiousity a few months ago, and since then have come across some very smart and funny people (you know who you are…)

But seriously (and I assure you that’s not a Phil Collins reference) the spambots? What the fuck is their deal? I know this isn’t anything new and millions of people have moaned about it before, but I had a (playful) conversation about eating kittens and puppies on there the other night – now would be a good time to close this site if that offends your sensibilities - and yet somehow within 24 hours I was being offered vegetarian diet tips!  Honestly, are there people out there so monumentally stupid that they will actually respond to these pathetic bell-ends?

I know it’s essentially harmless, but there are ”celebrities” who go on about how many thousands of followers they have, who if they could be arsed to actually take a look instead of sitting alone massaging their swollen egos would realise that 50% of them are essentially robots who are imploring them to watch fake videos of Britney Spears sucking Fred Durst’s cock.

Now, some of you may think that’s a little harsh. If you’re in that group, I suggest you stop reading this blog, as it ain’t going to get much prettier.

If I come across something I like, I will be positive about it and evangelise (but not in a “knocking on your door thrusting my ill-formed beliefs down your throat like some brain-washed altar boy” kind of way) as if something is worthy of praise, it will get praise.

But trust me, if it gets my goat, you will know about it. Admittedly on a poorly written blog viewed by 20 people (he says optimistically) but hell, it helps stop me picking up a high-powered rifle and climbing a church tower, so all good.

Anyway, that’s all folks!

Straight away I can tell that this is going to be fun – think of yourselves as a long suffering psychiatrist who is happy to listen, and hopefully occasionally nod and guiltily agree.